Do we stay or do we go? An Update

/ Kristin G

This week has been very up and down.

PHYSICALLY:

Sadly, and increasingly frustrating, the vomiting returned Sunday night. We thought it was a fluke, but it returned Monday as well. I also had a lot of chest pain Monday and quite frankly, 5 minutes before we were jumping on an online small group, I was taking nitroglycerin and we were deciding do we stay put for our small group or do we need to go to a hospital? Thankfully, things calmed down after the nitroglycerin.

I am also retaining fluid, which has caused me to vomit in the past, so we are hoping a dose of lasix today (and 9,000 trips to the bathroom later), will help get some fluid off and get things back on track. I have a telemedicine appt with my PCP Wednesday to check in and go over things and then an appointment with Hopkins Cardiology on Friday. As we try to continue to find what the next steps should be we are maintaining some connection with Hopkins. I ask that you would pray for these appointments.

Side note: we met with the cardiologist at Medstar two weeks ago and the appointment was a dud. He was not comfortable with my case. Let’s just say the (insert sarcasm here) highlights of the appointment were his comments that “not many cardiologists are going to touch your case, you are going to just have to learn to live with chest pain and heres the names of who I’d sent you to”. It just wasn’t a good fit so we are back to trying to figure out where our next steps should take us.

MENTALLY: 

The last admission to Hopkins and then vomiting for 6 weeks straight was exhausting, frustrating, stressful and left me feeling very broken physically. My therapist is very good at meeting me where I am at and then speaking truth in ways that both challenge my thinking and guide me out of the thought patterns. We have worked together for the last 3 years (pretty much weekly) so we have established a honesty that works well for us.

Last week, I started the session with the session with how pissed I was about feeling like crap and over my broken heart, my broken body, my broken stomach. She let me go there and then looked me straight thru that zoom camera lense with a look that said “are you done now?” and said, “Girl, you are a hot piece, your heart may suck at times, but you are so much more than that”. Those 60 minutes snapped me out of my headspace and back into truth. Because we are both Christians and I have given permission for her to bring faith up, we often approach our sessions with both biblical truth and proven psychological tools/processes. While faith can be a tool to cope with it, no amount of prayer will pray away my depression and anxiety, trauma or PTSD. We have got to stop the shame game within the Church on those with mental illness.

SPIRITUALLY:

Part of my therapy ‘homework’ has been to identify ways I survive (daily things I have to do, meds, insulin, appts, etc) and ways I can thrive (dream a little). My therapist suggested taking it to prayer….

Let’s just say it has been sort of like a wrestling match with God. Ever have those moments where you feel pinned or weighed down by a situation in your life or with loved ones, your community or the world? I’ve been wrestling with God lately, to please lift just a little bit of the weight of illness so that I can thrive….I can dream a little. I want to write a book about my story and so thats my dream. What if I dreamed a little and started now? When I finally settle down and let him speak a little, I hear him to tell my story, but tell the story from a place of victory. So each week or so, after spending time in prayer, I’ll share a part of my story that hopefully one day will be a book. Some stories you may have heard before and then there will be others that we have never shared before.

PRAISE: The moments that made me laugh this week: Gracie rolling off my bed. Mom accidentally leaving Finley in the garage (don’t worry I found her 5 minutes later..she didn’t realize she followed her out there to grab something).

PRAYER: For my appointments this week and for wisdom to make the right decisions.

THIS WEEK: 

 

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