Nothing crazy happening here, but just popping in to update. 

The Good: 

• This doggy was top dog in puppy class this week. She did awesome! We are seeing some improvements on the home front too.  
• I was seen by a new Physical therapist today and she thinks she unlocked all the pain…more on that below. 
• Family is in route this weekend for a visit. 

The bad: 

• My bloodwork showed that my A1C went up significantly since last month. This happened before, so we are restricting diet and upping the meds again. 😦  
• I have had an appt everyday this week with a different specialist, so I am exhausted. 

The ugly: 

• Finley has destroyed/chewed two sweaters, one soccer ball, one mailing envelope, two cardboard boxes, 2 Ziploc bags and her personal favorite: TP. 
• It’s been raining for days. 
• I have had pain consistently without any relief since Sunday. 

What’s the story with the pain? Here’s the facts:

• It is related to the sternotomy.
• It’s not cardiac or pulmonary natured, although I do have angina controlled by nitrates. 
• Narcotics are a no go as an option for treatment, muscle relaxers barely touch the pain, and ibuprofen only dulls it. 
• My cardiologist had me follow up with my GP about two options.: tramadol and some other nerve pain med. My GP would like to try a 3 prong approach (aka: “you and I will figure this out with cards/Pulmonology”)-massage therapy, aquatic/land physical therapy and adding tramadol for moderate to severe pain.
• It is becoming clear that one approach just won’t work. I just pray for some relief. 

What was the PT breakthrough today? 

• Turns out that post surgery I never learned to expand my diaphragm to allow my lungs to fully expand. I pull by back and neck back just enough so the lungs can expand a littl bit. Your body is supposed to move 4-6 cm with each breath. I move zero. My PT has never seen this before. 
• I have such pain in my neck and back because they are doing the work with each breath. They are supposed to do none of the work. 
• I am having shortness of breath, cardiac chest pain, lightheadedness and increased heart rate because my heart is having to work hard due to the lungs and blood stream barely getting enough oxygen due to my very shallow breaths. 
• Some of the sternum pain is probably due to the muscles being so tight (like a clenched fist instead of an open hand that easily moves) due to not being used/adhesions from my incision. 
• Aquatic therapy will open me up without stressing the body, land therapy will work on the incision & strength building. 

Gluten free?

• With all my allergies, my anti inflammation diet, cardiac friendly and diabetic friendly restrictions, it’s been tough. 
• I cheated once and felt so sick all night, so that won’t happen again. 
• I almost had a meltdown in the grocery store, next to the can of beans. 
• I’ll be meeting with a nurse/nutritionist at my GPs office who is going to help me with coming up with a plan. 

I never wanted to complain about this chronic pain. But my GP put it well, “stop trying to be so strong, so we can help you”. A.K.A: being honest with yourself and knowing it’s okay to ask for help, even if it means a 3 pronged approach, is huge. 

Chronic pain takes a toll on the body, emotionally and physically. And also spiritually. This was the first week that I was honest with myself about how tired I am of pain and with God. There is a lot of anger in my heart, because I can’t answer the why of “why do I have to live with such chronic pain?!?”.

 I sat after communion last week, begging for any relief and pretty much laying it all out before God. I smiled at the nice usher as he passed the basket, all the while bearing my heart to God, and not gently. Much laid behind that smile. 

But as I sat there, I thought  about what I’ve learned from my new job; is you never know the burden one is carrying: a broken marriage, addictions, emotional, physical or sexual scars, a sick loved one, emotional trauma, a wayward child, the list goes on… But  The church is beautiful in the brokenness of her children. It offers peace, grace, love, forgiveness to its sinners and it saints. 

So where am I going with all this? The reality is that I had to be honest with myself to be honest with God. He waits patiently to restore his children and I have confidence He will, I just pray for the grace to continue to carry this Cross, ask for my simon of Cyrene when needed and choose joy amongst the pain. 

How was y’alls weekend? Ours was pretty good, errands, church and floating in the pool. Hello summer! Last summer I wasn’t allowed to swim and so mom in solidarity didn’t either. So we are making up for lost time! 😎

In the back of my mind were two appointments today. Rheumatology and cardiology. We were waiting with baited breath for the rheumatology results which showed no connective tissue or auto-immune disorder, so we have no answer beside the fact that they broke my sternum and put me back together for the inflammation and pain. 

..although I was tempted to skip my cards appointment, reason got the best of me and I went. My Cath site looks good, still good news on that front and because of the recent testing, we know my grafts are open and my heart is functioning well at the moment. Doc said “see you in 3 months”. We’ve tried this road before and so my prayer is to actually make it that long-no ER visits, hospital stays or calls to the office. Nada. Zilch. Nothing. Please say a quick prayer for that. 

Pain remains a big problem. Because of my other medications, they are out of options to give me. So I have just accepted that this is as good as it gets. Take a breath. Did that hurt? People have asked me what my pain is like so I can only explain with every breath I take I experience pain. And even throughout the day, pain. For now, no more tests, I’m allowing my body to rest. 

In other news, I have gone gluten free as of today. There are some great resources for anti-inflammation diets and gluten is the first one to go here. We are praying we see a difference. 

We had a problem with a medication causing me to gain weight (it’s been promptly removed/replaced) and a problem with a cardiac patient saying “to hell with this cardiac diet” for a few weeks. But as of today, we are back on track. 

I also got some direction on exercise today, so I swam some laps when I got home and it felt good to be active again. Today, I’m taking my body back. 

As I was leaving I was talking to my friend Carina and she said “girl you need more than these doctors, I know what you need…you need God”. It was a good reminder to stop and allow God to be a part of this healing, from the inside out. She sent me this song: