I’ve been in the hospital for the PAST 10 DAYS! 

It all started with a bout of chest pain that was not responding to nitroglycerin as it usually does, so off to the ER we went. We went to the one closest to home, not my usual hospital, so I became very proficient in telling my history to every nurse, doctor and tech who asked me questions….

…and all I heard was “you are too young”. Yes, thank you, I know. I smile and laugh it off as it hits me right in the gut. This has been the hardest part of this journey to wrap my mind around, my life is drastically different then most 27 year olds that I know. Being back in a hospital, running tests, being a medical mystery to the docs, brings back memories that are all too fresh. 

I had someone tell me recently to “just get over it” in regards to my health. It was one of the most hurtful things someone has said to me about this whole journey. I think it’s partly because on the outside I look okay, but on the inside a war is waging itself in my body. 

  
..I have chronic pain and arthritis in my sternum, I have pulmonary hypertension and right sided heart disfunction so we are always watching for signals of heart failure, I have high blood pressure, unstable angina, coronary heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol which is known as premature heart disease, oh and PTSD and anxiety from my MI and CABG. But yet the only visible signs are my medical alert bracelet and my sternotomy scar. 

As much as I would love to “get over it”, the fact is that I can’t. I’ve been running for so long from the reality that this is my new normal, that the last thing I should do is “get over it”. Jesus has patiently waited to dive into it with him versus being so angry about being so sick. I’m going through it, not over it. 

  
Meanwhile, I sit in a hospital bed writing a post to ask for your prayers for the wisdom of the doctors. We’ve checked the GI tract, which came back normal, we did the non invasive cardiac testing, which came back normal. So for now all they can do is treat for pain that is of unknown origin. I long for the day when the longest stint between hospital visits is more than 4 weeks. 

Even my normal cardiologist called to check in when he heard I was still in the hospital. I tried to convince him to come bust me out, but he doesn’t have privileges at this hospital, so sadly he couldn’t. He apologized that “you feel like crap and that you can’t catch a break”. I mystify doctors and that’s hard. Even my cardiologist is running out of ideas. They rack their brains and even admit their defeat at not knowing where to go because of my age and history. They hand me off to the next specialist in an epic game of hot potato. It’s hard to always smile and bear their defeat with hope. It’s disappointing and very isolating and I usually spend part of my day begging the Lord to reveal something, anything. 

It’s funny a coworker came up to visit and he explained that he believes God is asking me to suffer with intention, for specific people and intentions. The night before I had prayed that God would provide some answer to the why of the suffering and my coworker started his visit with that exact conversation. So if you need prayers, know I’m praying for you. If you have an intention you want prayed for, know I’m praying for that intention. 

It’s my meek and lowly attempt to take a dark, frustrating situation and claim victory over it, for the Glory of God. Trust me, it’s taken a long time to get to this point, so if you feel stuck, frustrated or abandoned in a situation by God, don’t lose hope. Pray for the grace for the desire for hope, for the desire to seek God and continue to put one foot in front of the other, God in his timing will reveal himself to you.