If it’s astatistic, that only 2% of a diagnosis is going to have this or that symptom, I am that 2%. 

Today, I was reminded of that statistic. I have what is known as coronary vasospasms or printzmetal angina. Only 2% of those who suffer with chest pain, suffer with this type of angina, which often happens at rest. It can come on at the most random of times, and is often very intense. It means I never leave home without sublingual nitroglycerin. I am on two different types of anti-angina meds and still suffer. After 3 doses of my nitro, I’m instructed to go to the ER. 

It’s incredibly frustrating and sometimes scary. Usually with one dose of nitro, I get relief but today, I had to take two. I hadn’t had an episode this intense in 4 weeks, so it took me off guard. 

I am weary. We’ve been battling so many issues with my little ticker as of late: tachycardia, fluid overload (which is bad for someone who has heart issues), uncontrolled BP, and chest pain, all despite very aggressive medical treatment. In the past couple months I’ve heard words like diagnosis and prognosis. 

I’m tired of not feeling well. God bless my cardiologist, because he’s learned how to deal with me when I don’t feel well. Last week, I wasn’t feeling well, and the last time I didn’t feel that well, I ended up in the hospital for a week. I was less than thrilled to be in his office last week, mostly because I didn’t want him calling down to admit me. But, we added another medication and kept on moving. He gave me some words of encouragement and said see you in two weeks! 

I just want to feel better and have spent a lot of time thinking this past week about how to accept if this is just my new quality of life. I have multiple diseases that put me in the 2% category. And it makes day to day life hard. Many of them are invisible to the human eye, but very real. I have had to learn to slow down and relearn what is important in life.

Would I choose to be the 2%? No. But neither would anyone choose to be a part of any other statistic that makes life just as hard, if not harder. 

A wise Priest once told me, not everything is good, but everything works for good. I choose to believe 100% that is true. That is where faith lies, in hope. 

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