Thank you for all the prayers. Our Lord heard your prayers quickly. I was released from the hospital a few hours ago. 
The doctors now believe the pain was the result of coronary vasospasms and “of unknown origin” (I.e. They have no clue). They believe there were two sources of pain. For now we are treating the coronary vasospasms and I am to take it easy. 
It will be a good to enter Holy Week in a different way than the usual pre-Easter bustle, but rather at a slower pace.

I’m going to spend time during this Holy Week to focus on our Lord’s journey to Calvary; how weak He must have felt, how tired, how much pain He endured, the suffering His mother endured watching him suffer, the times He fell, how long the journey must have felt, the words of the believers and non believers persecuting him and jeering along the sidelines, the amount of love it must have taken to keep putting His one foot in front of the other and not lose hope in his Father’s will. 

One of the scenes from the passion that has stood out in my mind from the first time I saw it  (here), is when our Lady sees our Lord fall and it flashes back to his childhood. And she runs with the same fervent love to her young child as she did to Her son on his way to Calvary. That was still her son who was suffering, yes, the redeemer of the world, but still her son. 

Everytime I see the scene above I think about just how much when we fall, our Lord picks us up, embraces us, dusts us off as any good parent would do and places us back on the ground to keep moving. 

…Sometimes he lets us rest upon the floor, fallen for a while longer. Or He holds us close for a while until we are ready to go back on our own two feet again, or he places us back on the ground with a nudge to keep moving. 

I think as Holy Week begins its a good idea to enter into the scriptures, to place ourselves there. Where would we find ourselves? Would we find ourselves amongst our Lords persecutors?  Would we find ourselves with Veronica wiping the face of our Lord, would we find ourselves  willing to suffer like Simon and help carry the cross, would we find ourselves at the foot of the cross with St. John and our Blessed Mother? 

Wherever we may be, would we have the faith and trust it takes, because where there is Easter Sunday, there is also Good Friday?

Wherever you find yourselves sharing in Our Lords passion, this Holy Week, may you be blessed abundantly. 

Please continue to pray for me, as I do for you. 

Today’s victory of the day: being able to sleep in my own bed. Praise the Lord. Amen! (Seriously!)

I’ve been in the hospital for the PAST 10 DAYS! 

It all started with a bout of chest pain that was not responding to nitroglycerin as it usually does, so off to the ER we went. We went to the one closest to home, not my usual hospital, so I became very proficient in telling my history to every nurse, doctor and tech who asked me questions….

…and all I heard was “you are too young”. Yes, thank you, I know. I smile and laugh it off as it hits me right in the gut. This has been the hardest part of this journey to wrap my mind around, my life is drastically different then most 27 year olds that I know. Being back in a hospital, running tests, being a medical mystery to the docs, brings back memories that are all too fresh. 

I had someone tell me recently to “just get over it” in regards to my health. It was one of the most hurtful things someone has said to me about this whole journey. I think it’s partly because on the outside I look okay, but on the inside a war is waging itself in my body. 

  
..I have chronic pain and arthritis in my sternum, I have pulmonary hypertension and right sided heart disfunction so we are always watching for signals of heart failure, I have high blood pressure, unstable angina, coronary heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol which is known as premature heart disease, oh and PTSD and anxiety from my MI and CABG. But yet the only visible signs are my medical alert bracelet and my sternotomy scar. 

As much as I would love to “get over it”, the fact is that I can’t. I’ve been running for so long from the reality that this is my new normal, that the last thing I should do is “get over it”. Jesus has patiently waited to dive into it with him versus being so angry about being so sick. I’m going through it, not over it. 

  
Meanwhile, I sit in a hospital bed writing a post to ask for your prayers for the wisdom of the doctors. We’ve checked the GI tract, which came back normal, we did the non invasive cardiac testing, which came back normal. So for now all they can do is treat for pain that is of unknown origin. I long for the day when the longest stint between hospital visits is more than 4 weeks. 

Even my normal cardiologist called to check in when he heard I was still in the hospital. I tried to convince him to come bust me out, but he doesn’t have privileges at this hospital, so sadly he couldn’t. He apologized that “you feel like crap and that you can’t catch a break”. I mystify doctors and that’s hard. Even my cardiologist is running out of ideas. They rack their brains and even admit their defeat at not knowing where to go because of my age and history. They hand me off to the next specialist in an epic game of hot potato. It’s hard to always smile and bear their defeat with hope. It’s disappointing and very isolating and I usually spend part of my day begging the Lord to reveal something, anything. 

It’s funny a coworker came up to visit and he explained that he believes God is asking me to suffer with intention, for specific people and intentions. The night before I had prayed that God would provide some answer to the why of the suffering and my coworker started his visit with that exact conversation. So if you need prayers, know I’m praying for you. If you have an intention you want prayed for, know I’m praying for that intention. 

It’s my meek and lowly attempt to take a dark, frustrating situation and claim victory over it, for the Glory of God. Trust me, it’s taken a long time to get to this point, so if you feel stuck, frustrated or abandoned in a situation by God, don’t lose hope. Pray for the grace for the desire for hope, for the desire to seek God and continue to put one foot in front of the other, God in his timing will reveal himself to you. 

This week we had some victories. Blood work showed an awesome improvement in my cholesterol levels which put me outside the high risk area. My improved numbers were partly due to a new medication on the market that my cardiologist put me on. It involves giving myself an injection every two weeks. We call it “repatha day” in our house, because I usually get a cold for a few days after, so we hold our breath each time I take it, with the hope I don’t get too sick.

Being able to take Repatha was another victory because it was also just approved by my insurance.  Kudos to my doctor for fighting with the insurance company to get my coverage approved. Without insurance it would have cost more than half of my yearly salary for a years supply.

My doctor and I were happy with the victories….

But we have also been fighting some battles lately…

…In the words of my GP, when we adjust medications in what would be considered ‘normal’ fashion, my body auto corrects almost like a driver that over corrects the wheel.

…I started feeling like I was going to pass out all the time.

…My heart rate has not been stable, I drop low and then run high.

…And then there is the chest pain (Angina) that we can’t seem to control. It is usually controlled by Nitro, but it appears that I have developed what is known as Nitro tolerance. We just adjusted another medication in the hopes that will work. But unfortunately, the past 5 days have not been going well…

……and then I was admitted to the hospital last night and will be here at least through tonight. We are playing with medications yet again. My cardiologist is running out of ideas, a new cardiologist who is weighing in thinks it will just a a chronic problem, that has to be managed. But no one has been able to figure out why.

It’s been a long tough road, but even more so this past week. I have  heard multiple doctors tell me that we are running out of medical options and treatments and that I may have to accept that this is as good as it gets. I refuse to believe that the young age of 27, this is what my life will look like. Don’t worry… we are already looking into Johns Hopkins, Cleveland and Georgetown.

Please pray for me and the doctors.  I am specifically asking St. Therese for her intercession during this time.

If it’s astatistic, that only 2% of a diagnosis is going to have this or that symptom, I am that 2%. 

Today, I was reminded of that statistic. I have what is known as coronary vasospasms or printzmetal angina. Only 2% of those who suffer with chest pain, suffer with this type of angina, which often happens at rest. It can come on at the most random of times, and is often very intense. It means I never leave home without sublingual nitroglycerin. I am on two different types of anti-angina meds and still suffer. After 3 doses of my nitro, I’m instructed to go to the ER. 

It’s incredibly frustrating and sometimes scary. Usually with one dose of nitro, I get relief but today, I had to take two. I hadn’t had an episode this intense in 4 weeks, so it took me off guard. 

I am weary. We’ve been battling so many issues with my little ticker as of late: tachycardia, fluid overload (which is bad for someone who has heart issues), uncontrolled BP, and chest pain, all despite very aggressive medical treatment. In the past couple months I’ve heard words like diagnosis and prognosis. 

I’m tired of not feeling well. God bless my cardiologist, because he’s learned how to deal with me when I don’t feel well. Last week, I wasn’t feeling well, and the last time I didn’t feel that well, I ended up in the hospital for a week. I was less than thrilled to be in his office last week, mostly because I didn’t want him calling down to admit me. But, we added another medication and kept on moving. He gave me some words of encouragement and said see you in two weeks! 

I just want to feel better and have spent a lot of time thinking this past week about how to accept if this is just my new quality of life. I have multiple diseases that put me in the 2% category. And it makes day to day life hard. Many of them are invisible to the human eye, but very real. I have had to learn to slow down and relearn what is important in life.

Would I choose to be the 2%? No. But neither would anyone choose to be a part of any other statistic that makes life just as hard, if not harder. 

A wise Priest once told me, not everything is good, but everything works for good. I choose to believe 100% that is true. That is where faith lies, in hope. 

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