“Everybody has a home team: It’s the people you call when you get a flat tire or when something terrible happens. It’s the people who, near or far, know everything that’s wrong with you and love you anyways. These are the ones who tell you their secrets, who get themselves a glass of water without asking when they’re at your house. These are the people who cry when you cry. These are your people, your middle-of-the-night, no-matter-what people.”
― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way

I read this quote on a college friend’s instagram this morning and loved it. Because you see, a lot has been happening this past few months, but two big things happened…

I quit my job and started working again at my childhood parish.

and

I moved back home.

And. It. Has. Not. Been. Easy.

Last night, I sat on my mom’s kitchen floor and I cried. The tears are the hard part about about my journey with heart disease that few people see…the moments when it overwhelms me to the point of tears.

Living with multiple diseases is like a wave, sometimes it barely wades at your feet and other days it knocks you flat on your back. I have really good days and then I have really bad days. And so on the bad days, I sit on my mom’s kitchen floor and I cry. And every time  she’s the captain of my home team. Even at 1am.

Coming home has been so good. The people in our lives are our home team. They laugh with us, they cry with us, they drop everything when I end up back in the ER or hospital and most of all they love and care for us like family.

I didn’t see myself coming home to work at my home parish, but then it happened and its been so good to be home. You see this parish family grew me because from the time I was 12, they were a part of my life. They buried my father and cared for us in the months that followed, they celebrated graduations and birthdays with us and this past year they loved, cared, supported and prayed for us in a only a way a family can. This is my family.

Through the grace of God, this morning I was able to come to make a step to accept that this is God’s will for my life right now. It happened while walking our new puppy, Finley (we changed her name to Finley, because it means warrior and she’s one of my heart warriors).

Every day we take a walk and its been good for both of us. Finley has some training still to do, so as we were walking this morning, she was doing pretty well except when we came across a big stick, she would get distracted. .

She was dependent upon me to keep her going. I was reminded that just as Finley is dependent upon me, I am to be dependent upon God. I get so distracted by the sticks in my life (the pain, the medications, the never ending blood work  and all the medical tests we are running, the job, the friendships, etc), that I forget to place it all back in God’s hands each day, to entrust myself and my healing to him… I had to give up again this week in a way to finally find peace again in my heart. I had to give up my will for God’s.

I like to look back at the end of the week and look for what God has done that week in my life. This week God reminded me that I am fighting this battle with Him, but it doesn’t mean there aren’t bad or hard days. This week, the battle was mostly from within my heart and I had to tell satan to get the hell out, who was trying hard to trap me in disappointment and hurt. It was hard. Like really hard.

I think its time we got real: life is hard, life is messy, life has pain but one thing is for darn sure: Its only harder, messier and more painful when we try to do it without God. I tried this week for a few days and let me tell you it only got worse, but then I listened to the Holy Spirit tell me to just be honest and be real, to allow Him into the moment, to start again, try again and to rest in His arms again. God carries us ever so tenderly in his arms each day, its just a matter of finding rest, allowing ourselves to be held and giving up our wills that we realize God is the biggest member of our home team.

Hes the one to call when something terrible happens, he knows everything about you and loves you anyways, he knows your deepest desires and he’s the middle of the night, no-matter what person.

May God enter into your heart a new way this day, it will be the biggest victory of the heart you ever saw. Let him in a little and “Be not afraid!”.

Don’t give up tomorrow, try again. I am.

St. Michael, ora pro nobis. 

St. John of God, pray for all heart patients. 

  
Happy heart month everyone! 

The funny thing is that a year ago I wouldn’t have paid much attention to heart month at all. But then my life changed. I changed..

I had a silent heart attack, meaning I didn’t feel it. I probably slept through it. I learned in one day a lot about God’s providential care. Had I not have been in the cardiologists office that afternoon, I would have been going out a different entrance of the hospital than the front door. God is soooo good..my MI changed my priorities and it changed my relationship with God.  

The MI had its impact but the time postsurgery for triple vessel disease probably changed me even more. I learned not to sweat the small stuff and the big stuff earned its proper place back in my life.. 

I shrug my shoulders at stuff that doesn’t matter because I cant afford to carry it. Literally. My doctor has told me that stress is a huge factor in my heart health and it has to be kept to a minimum. It’s his doctor’s orders. That took some practice to be able to follow. 

As anyone fighting a disease will come to learn, the people that love you will painfully watch you suffer, physically, emotionally, spiritually. It will pain them almost as much as it pains you. It’s true of any disease, not just heart disease. 

I can’t fully explain how heart disease has changed me but I can say I’m stronger for having gone through it. Has it caused some scars in all aspects of my life? Yes. Some are visible and some aren’t. But they say heart patients become like warriors. Not just patients or survivors, but warriors; a brave and experienced fighter. 

We fight physical battles. Like the decision daily to eat healthy, take all our meds on time and deal with side effects, get our blood levels checked way too often and even fight fatigue from things we once did with ease. We fight palpitations, blood pressure issues, high cholesterol. We fight them all. 

We fight emotional battles. We battle anxiety, fear, jealousy, self pity, guilt, shame. Word for the wise: Any heart patient who tells you they don’t have some level of anxiety is lying. Help them through it. 
We fight spiritual battles not to fall into despair, anger or even jealousy of other people’s ability to live. We don’t always fight well, but we try to fight with great amounts of bravery or courage. We don’t have a choice. 

Take for instance this story: My cardiologist told me the other day to stop blaming myself for things that aren’t my fault… I do what I am supposed to, I take my meds, I’m watching my diet (most of the time), I’m keeping stress down and I’m staying active. All the things he prescribed.

Having seen this poor doc every 2-3 weeks for the last 8 months, he has gotten to know me well..We have this joke that I sometimes/always/never tell him everything of how I am feeling (one should mention palpatations, chest pain and the like to your heart doctor..but don’t worry, I’ve mended my ways). 

He kept asking me was it because I didn’t want to look like I was whining. Nope, that wasn’t it. And then at this appointment, I finally just blurted it out…I felt guilty that I didn’t take good care of my heart before my MI and then surgery. I felt guilty that my body didn’t respond as we had hoped for with aggressive medical treatment and we continue to battle issues. But as my doc told me, “stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault; you have crappy genes”. Only he gets to use the word crappy when talking about my genes. 

We all do it to some extent. We blame ourselves for things outside our control. We all have hurts in our lives, some more than others. Some are our own doing, but most aren’t.

 I firmly believe that it’s a temptation from the evil one to trap is in those hurts; To remove love from our hearts. He doesn’t want us to live in Christ and to have life to the fullest. 

But I have news for him, I choose Christ. I finally figured out that’s how I’ve changed. I’m choosing to fight this battle with Christ. Satan tries to trip me up, but for the first time in a long time I choose hope in Gods plan, instead of despair. I choose to work to forgive hurts, instead of holding on to anger. I choose to be grateful each morning and whisper at my first waking breath, thank you Jesus for another day. I choose courage in the face of more challenges. I choose to trust in Jesus. Yes, I choose to seek another victory of the heart, by fighting this battle as a heart warrior. I don’t do it well always, but I’m doing it. I’m being courageous.. I just beg our Lord to continue to grant me the grace to do so. 

The battle hasn’t been easy these past 8 months and at times I really stumbled. And it only got harder as the days went on while I tried to do it without Jesus. He lifted so many of my burdens when I finally surrendered it all to him. 

What battle are you fighting that would be a little easier if you chose to fight it with Christ? Begin today, it will change you. 

And it will be a huge victory of the heart.